That Kind of Fool
- Erin Carson DeWolfe
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
By Erin Carson DeWolfe
Despite my efforts at positive thinking, I still spend a lot of time steering myself out of shame spirals over the mistakes I've made and the flaws I can't seem to shake.
Entering midlife, I'm at the halfway mark. It seems like no matter how many problems I solve, there are more. I thought this would get easier… I still think it will, I guess. Now it's money and a great career that will solve my problems, whereas before it was finding the right medication, or feeling attractive, or having a happy relationship, or an empty nest; etc, etc, etc. Ad infinitum.
Now I have many of the things I wanted when I was younger – things I thought would make my life complete, or at least completely different. But I'm still not "there." I often wonder – if I'm not "there" by now, when will I be? The goalposts seem to keep moving. How long do I have to wait to arrive at “happiness”? When will I have won?
Life is like a videogame, and every day, month, and year is a new level. You beat the challenges on Level 47? Congratulations, your reward is harder enemies, higher jumps, and bigger lava pits.
"What am I doing here?" I sometimes think. "What kind of fool would choose to play this game?" But I am that kind of fool. Seems like we're all that kind of fool.
Look at how the game is designed, though. In this world, we don't easily (and without practice) have access to the fullness of who we are. We start blank and must fight for each skill; fight to become who we always were, one piece at a time. If we are so blind, how could we do anything but feel our way along in the dark to the end of the level, making wrong turns as we go, so we can learn the layout? If we are not here to fail, to make mistakes, then why are we so prone to do it constantly? I have a feeling we're not this way by accident.
Our reward for playing this game is not waiting at the finish line. In fact, if you don't find rewards for yourself here, in the joy of learning, growing, mastering challenges, you will die having missed the point of playing in the first place.
Getting lost is a feature, not a bug, of humanity. Falling short of our goals is part of the experience — not some fault with us. If you spend sleepless nights regretting the dead ends you explored, don't. It's what we're here to do.
The real mistake is not using these hard-won lessons to some positive end. Help somebody else. Make art. Invent something. Love truly. Do better next time. Does it make sense to shovel so much shit without fertilizing something?
So, I'll keep playing. That's the kind of Fool I am.
Erin Carson DeWolfe is a lifelong spiritual seeker and a third-generation Unitarian. She currently serves as Communications Coordinator for the Unitarian Universalist Community of Victoria, B.C., Canada. Erin and her husband, Shawn, co-own Web321, which provides IT support to The Contemplative Society (and other non-profits and small businesses), helping them use technology intelligently to thrive online.